By Sudesh Prabhakaran
Registration Number:
1901712006047
Paper: Romantic Age
CA III Assignment
I was one of the best
rats: Physically, Intellectually and of sound breeding too. What happened to me
from whom much was expected of? The pit stop of the rat race changed me for
good.
We, human beings as a
species, are condemned to be in a state of perpetual pursuit of happiness. The
pursuit is never ending and evolving to newer and higher summits upon having
achieved the objective.To be forever
moving forward.Thus, the direction
which we are headed towards ought to be considered a step in advancement, which
therein begs the question, ‘What is success?’.
When we consider how
we have evolved, I expect procreation and social standing ranked high among our
pursuits. Hence, our view of what is important in life and ensuing pursuits
follow a rather primitive existence.
The event which shook
my sense of self was my bout of depression which led to not one but two failed
attempts at suicide. I was the one of the above average ones. In everything. I
mean everything. I was actually a jack of all trades and barely an expert in
any. My HR Manager Dad had some sound advice to share which I lapped up with
all vigour and enthusiasm. “Doesn’t matter what you study”, he said. “What
matters is where you study!”, he added. I knew it from before. He had said it
several times earlier to get me motivated to get into a college which would not
bring shame or disinterest from family and friends. Somehow, I managed to get
into the best Law college of the country. They were all ecstatic. I was headed
to NLSIU, Bangalore and my brother was going to one of the IIMs!
It came all crashing
not in a sudden whalop but over incremental stages over the succeeding months
and even years. I was nowhere near the competency of my classmates and they let
me know too. Hell, my junior became my classmates. My classmate became my
lecturer. Yes, I was there for so long that I was a part of the furniture. “I
had become institutionalised”, I thought nonchalantly to myself. It didn't
bother me much.
Surprising? Yes,
because I had an identity for myself. That of an elite sportsperson who could
play Basketball, football, volleyball and represented and won medals in athletics
in the college meets too, which was a source of immense sense of pride until
the ill fated day when the world came crashing down. Despite me having flunked
over 4 years, the juniors respected me. Acknowledged the value of my presence
in college.
All that changed when I made a pass at a junior. She laughed. She
literally laughed at me asking her out.
She made it known to her friends. Her friends told everybody else. From
being seen as a respected senior, I was the butt of all jokes in class. I shamed
myself away from class. I was in denial of the ridicule directed at me. “They
don’t mean it surely!”, I consoled myself. How could they make fun of such a
sensitive issue? They could and they did. Exams were nearing. My state of mind
crumbled. I woke up at the hospital with my mom next to me. My parents were as
understanding as could be expected of them. They assumed I had enough for the
college and left me to wonder what life had in store for me.
I was no longer content being assessed by the
parameters which I failed miserably to achieve, there was a realisation that I
could live a life of my own making, not bound by the rules which seemed
‘universal’. Left to decide my course of education, I was a 26 year old college
dropout whose sense of world was warped where the evils were exaggerated and
cynicism reigned supreme. When I thought of what actually made me happy, it
came upon as an epiphany that my needs were limited, and the world was indeed
by oyster.
The aspect which I
wish to highlight is the fact that I was completely free of all the
expectations and societal pressures of adequacy and normalcy. I felt I didn't
care what the world thought of me. I was open to options and could seriously
consider them which others would have shunned as it would be too simple and too
embarrassing to admit in public what the they did for a living. I too dreaded
the question, “so, what do you do?” I was comfortable with earning a living
doing whatever I could but I was living with my parents and was bound to the
identity and was an unwilling party to being associated with a family which was
much more successful by the regular parameters.
Looking back, I was
not comfortable being seen as an underachiever. How others thought of me still
mattered despite me claiming the opposite. When I was not feeling like the
failure of the family, I protected myself from the reality, consoling myself, “
I was better than the rest”. Because I managed to inflate my own ego and claim
that the parameters of success were ridiculously flawed. I developed an air of
self importance and snobbery as I looked down upon other ‘rats’. How ‘woke’ was
i! I had the answer to the world’s problems. If only they could listen. And
learn! I had so much to teach the world with my experiences and incomparable insights.
Whether I was a rat
or not, I was still running a race which I failed to notice. The realisation
came when my fragile ego was tested. I realised that I’m not impervious to the
worldly stimuli but in fact more exposed than most due my earlier trial with
depression. The sense that I was better than the rest permeated through and I
was looking for opportunities to let people know who the boss was. Always
looking to show and demonstrate how capable I was. Still the same kid who had
written “I Quit” before I swallowed around 90 pills; always running away from
the fight. My response by then was always flight over fight.
I was always arguing
and convincing myself that I was better than the rest because these people are
pursuing a life without any meaning. Accumulation wealth, procreating, getting
entertained, passing away without even attempting to challenge themselves. I
thought I knew better than to live a life - comforted, protected, loved barely
testing the limits of one’s life nor experiencing what the world has to offer.
“The random family person is wasting away their life”, I used to think to
myself. What’s the point in such existence? Do they suck the marrow out of
their life? Or drone along like zombies towards the inevitable.
To quash the ego is possibly the single most important challenge in my mind a human being could attempt and
possibly the hardest. I have learnt that being immune to external stimuli is
extremely difficult as our sense of self and misguided notions of morality
often urge us to act as a habit rather than a thought out meticulously
strategised course of decisions. Is marriage to test the limits of one’s ego?
Or does one get entangled with the identity and the ensuing responsibilities,
thereby limiting one's freedom imposing limitations on what life has to offer?
For the longest time,
I convinced myself that being egoless is to abandon feelings of empathy, to be
immune from being triggered, one has to reason themselves and convince
themselves of the will of god or justify it through morals and virtues despite
the lack there of. It’s difficult for me to assume god’s existence without any
proof of it. Morality fails too as there are situations when one could never
defend the actions of the perpetrator. So, how does an atheist make sense of a
world seemingly full of gloom and horror.
Through humility.
Humility is arguable
the single most crucial quality to rid oneself of the ego and the other
personality attributes it entails - good or bad. Irrespective of what utility
the virtues, attributes which the HR personnel love to use is seen to have, it
has an unquestionable effect on our sense of self and how we wish the world to
see us as. Through humility, the constructs of identity can be pulled down,
brick by brick.
Humility also allows
to accept that we simply do not know, what the purpose of life is. It could be
basically whatever one wants it to be. To me, there needn’t be any purpose at
all. It’s the process which matters. The journey and not the destination. I
could live a life completely mindful and appreciative of what little blessings
I have in life and to be able to look at aspects in my life like a dog
would; to be ever appreciative of all
things big or small and always passionate towards life. What zest dogs have!
I’d even argue to replace religion to just watch how dogs go about their lives.
They are our spiritual masters in a way.
The complication
arises when the deconstruction of identity intrudes into what love with the
opposite sex necessarily ushers in. Such a complicated exercise it is to convey
‘love’ as I mean it. If I call it sensual love, it has another connotation,
definitely not ‘sexual love’ too.
Anyway, going back to
the trail of thought- With a lack of identity, how does one identify as a loved
one of another. Is the love universal? A spiritual kind of love? To my mind,
the answer to this question echoes as the answer to various other question
relating to humility. How can a teacher be humble? How can a parent? To what
extent? To be completely humble, as an ideal is what is being discussed here.
The religious gurus
are thus by definition not humble as they find their knowledge on the matter
substantial and sufficient enough or more than what others possess to consider
it worth their while and what is possibly worse, worth the time of others to
share their knowledge.
To my mind, humility
is a spiritual experience, and celebrated in solitude at first. When one claims
that there is knowledge enough to be shared, the individual assumes self
importance thus. It is by the very act of sharing that one assumes
self-knowledge.
As a parent, one
cannot afford for the offspring to be let lose, unsupervised. How does humility
factor in thus? According to me, caring for and being responsible for an
offspring is as arduous as it could be enriching. It is too complicated for an
introspective soul like mine. Until recently, even marriage was not an option
as I felt it restricted me, limited the scope of opportunities and experiences
which I felt the world has to offer. It dawned on me that love itself is an
experience which ought to be committed to body and soul. If experience is the
crucial gauge to test ‘a worthy life’ against, is there a more complicated
challenge than there is with respect to love?
Managing competing
interests of several complicated individuals. Managing care and expectations.
Love for a spiritual
individual is a terribly tedious concept. Every aspect could be over analysed,
the issues magnified. Could one by humble in love? I suppose there is a balance where one is expressing
individual care and affection as opposed to the entire world but is still
immune to what the identity imposes. Expectations have to be made clear as to
what the priorities are likely to be in the future. The thumb rule with regard
to marriage is to check whether the individual would be better off after the
marriage across various metrics - freedom - financially, socially, politically.
Lesser range of responsibilities being most important.
As counter intuitive
as it may sound, being humble would mean that there is no prior process thought
out, no clear decisions already made and paths constructed to be taken to avail
of whatever is important to the concerned individual. Being still and patient.
Unmindful of externalities but at the same time being mindful of what the
thoughts are and what the impending reaction is bound to be. This immunity to
externalities will pose an intriguing question - how does one commit in a
marriage if immunity and freedom in its most ideal sense is sought?
The answer is that
love is universal. When we can channelise the concern towards the individual,
but at the same time be open to the possibility that the significant other is a
completely different individual alien to one’s own thoughts, emotions and
priorities, the freedom to be not fixated on their actions resulting in
disappointments is to be strived for. Like a never ending river of love.
Flowing wherever gravity pulls.
Taoism has immense
significance for any significantly intelligent life form. The philosophy of
religion is often lost at the hands of ritualised belief systems. Organised
religions are obsolete often limiting the scope of ones’ critical faculties
restricting them to mere puppets. Though the impact in helping cope
psychologically can't be ignored, the spiritual endeavour to my mind is far
beyond what organised religion can offer; as by definition, organised religions
fixate on ‘identity’ which ought to be done away with.
Another issue which
often tests my patience, resulting in my losing control and composure is when I
attach importance to material objects and expect certain behaviour patterns
from people who are neither important nor close to me. We are often found to be
losing our blissful state of mind over road rage, lack of civic sense or
manners all which are neither uniform nor all practical.
One cannot expect the
world to be in adherence with the individual’s view of it. We seldom realise
this rather obvious phenomenon. To be at peace, we necessarily can’t attach any
value to how the society or the world works. In fact, it is unnecessary to use
labels to the world or to generalise it. Political correctness has become a
rage and it’s not too radical to expect that labels of all sorts could be done
away with. Where the individual is associated with the group and the qualities
are wrongfully attributed. The sensitivity could lead to an era where the
individual is what he is or she or it is. And not what the society wants it to
be. Even languages itself will have to adapt to allow for over coming the habitual
errors in incorrect attribution of the individual to the group.
Labels by definition
doesn’t work as we are all transitory and the elements of possibilities are
endless to claim anything about ourselves, much less of others.
The era of isms
ending is a welcome change though the social media of 21st century makes it
impossible for the generations to be individuals. As a social being, we need
and yearn to be respected and identified with the group and thus it is a
complicated exercise which very few can endeavour.
Criticisms can be
laid against the Philosophy which shuns social groups. But the society is
increasingly becoming more safer for individuals to exist without social safety
nets and other perks which groups offer is becoming increasingly redundant. However,
it does not answer the question as to how a family operates under the system as
the delicate venture of raising an offspring is beyond my comprehension
admittedly. A risk too far, it seems to me at this point in time in my life.
To shun the processes,
in thoughts, in habits and in action. To be still and patient.
THE END
